


the after-school lives of teenage extremists

by fucken_moron



Category: The Centricide (Webseries)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23022727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fucken_moron/pseuds/fucken_moron
Summary: alternate title: doki doki political debate club
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 40
Kudos: 159





	1. a new club?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bro it's small brain time.  
> a meme inspired me to write this so i did.  
> i only know how american schools work [insert joke about americans] so they're in an american school  
> ancom has they/them pronouns but i always mess something up so tell me if i did  
> too much strawberry jam in my head

It was the first meeting of the Political Debate Club, which technically wasn't a real club because it's four members couldn't get a teacher to sponsor them. Despite not being a real club, they were able to get an empty classroom all to themselves because Ancap bribed the principal. 

"So, how do you think we can get more members?" The tallest member, Commie asked the rest of the group. 

"I think we worry about becoming a real club first." Ancap peered over the sunglasses that he wasn't supposed to be wearing inside the school. "Why can't I just bribe the principal again?" 

Ancom was the only one not sitting in a chair, but instead lying on the floor. "I'd like to do it legitimately. I don't think anyone would want to join if they found out we bribed the principal every time we needed something." 

"For once, I agree with Ancom. We should just find a teacher to sponsor us." Nazi leaned back in his chair. 

"Who would sponsor us? None of the teachers like Nazi, Anarkiddie is always yelling about something, and the kulak has no morals. I am not very well liked either." Commie rested his head on the desk in front of him. 

"Why don't we just ask the political science teacher?" Ancap shrugged. "Isn't that the most obvious choice?" 

"Isn't he a centrist?" Nazi sneered. "I don't want a centrist to sponsor us." 

"Yeah, but he might be our only choice." Ancom sat up. 

"Okay. I have a form filled out." Ancap pulled the form out of the briefcase he used as a backpack. "We just have to get him to sign it." 

"Then, let's go." Commie stood up, and the group left the room. 

Lucky for them, the political science teacher was still in the teacher's lounge. He was kind of young for a teacher, but he had an oddly shaped mustache that was almost like a horseshoe.

"What do you kids want?" The teacher asked them.

"We're trying to start a club. Will you sponsor us?" Ancap asked as nicely as it could but it still somehow sounded like he was talking down to him. 

"I don't know, fellas. I don't think there's really a difference if I sign this form or not." 

"But, there is. If you sign this form, we'll become an official club."

"Well, yes, but I don't see the difference between you guys becoming a club and you guys not becoming a club."

"There is a difference. Can you please sign the form?" Ancap was starting to get annoyed. 

"You all seem like fine gentlemen." The teacher began. 

"I'm not a man." Ancom muttered.

"But, I'm sorry, but there's no difference in me sponsoring you and not sponsoring you--" 

"Just sign the goddamn form!" Nazi yelled. 

"Fine fine. But be careful, young man. I don't think there's a difference between you swearing and not swearing, but it's against the rules." The teacher signed the form and handed it back to Ancap. 

"Thanks, comrade." Commie smiled and the four extremists left the teacher's lounge and headed towards the front office. 

"There's no one here?" Ancom looked around the empty room. There were normally a few receptionists, (or whatever the women who are normally in the office are actually called) but the office was completely vacant. 

"Women..." Nazi grumbled.

"I am going to beat you to death." Ancom punched Nazi in the arm.

"We can just leave it on the counter, then." Ancap left the form on the counter under a pen holder. "We did it. We're a club." 

"What's the point in starting a club anyway? We're seniors." Nazi walked out the room. 

Commie followed after him. "Think of it as leaving a legacy. We hate centrists, so by starting this club, we'll be radicalizing our peers. We are doing good, comrade." 

"Don't call me comrade. Whatever. What do we do now?" 

"I made a poster last night. We can start printing some out." Ancom pulled their phone out of their pocket and scrolled through it. They showed the other three the poster... if it could even be called a poster. It said 'join the political debate club!' in all lowercase. The text was in comic sans and rainbow, but because of the white background all the yellow letters were almost invisible. 

"It looks like you made it in MS Paint." Nazi squinted at the poster. 

"I did." Ancom replied. 

"Did you make this at 3 a.m. too?" Ancap took off his sunglasses so he could read the poster. 

"No. I made it at 4:20 on the dot, dude." 

"Anarkiddie, you did a very good job. Maybe if you learned theory instead of making bad posters, you would be a better communist." Commie smiled. 

"Yeah, okay. I get it. I'll make a new one." Ancom put his phone away. 

"No, Ancom. I'll just pay someone to make a poster for us." Ancap put his sunglasses back on. He was glued to his phone for the rest of the walk to the club room. 

"I hope another _real_ anarchist will join our club." Ancom sat on the floor when they got back to the club room.

"I am a real anarchist. You'd be an anarcho-capitalist too if you understood basic economics." Ancap leaned back in his chair. 

"Can you two shut up? My mom is calling me." Nazi pulled his ringing phone out of his pocket and answered it. "Hey, mom." 

Almost immediately Ancap started making moaning noises very loudly. 

Ancom was almost impressed by how realistic they were and decided to loudly yell, "Pass the weed."

Commie waited until Nazi was almost done with his phone call before he spoke. "Tell her I said hi." 

"I'm sorry, mom. Yes. No. At 5:30. Bye." Nazi hung up and put his phone away. "Fuck off!" Nazi punched Ancap in the arm a few times while Ancap tried to stop laughing. 

"It was fun, Nazi. We were having fun." Ancap was starting to tear up from laughing so hard. "Is your mom picking you up? You know I can drive you home." 

"No. The last time you drove me home you almost got arrested." 

"Oh, come on Nazi. Ancap is driving me and Tankie home, too. It'll be fine." Ancom played with the drawstrings on their hoodie while he spoke. 

"Yes. If the kulak tries to break the law, I will strangle him." 

"Hot. Nazi, are you going with us or not?" Ancap looked up from his phone to look at Nazi. 

"Yeah. Whatever." 

"Road trip!" Ancom got off the floor and walked towards the door. 

"It's not a road trip." Nazi crossed his arms. 

"Any trip can be a road trip if you want it to." 

"That just isn't true at all. What are you talking about?" 

"You know how we would sniff sharpies when we were kids?" 

"No, Ancom. I never did that." 

"Well, I was doing that while we were in the club room." 

"Is that why you were on the floor? What's wrong with you? Why are you always doing drugs?" 

"It's not real drugs. It doesn't count." Ancom shrugged as they walked through the front doors of the school. 

The four extremists got into Ancap's car. Despite being seniors, Ancap was the only one who knew how to drive, so he was in the driver's seat. 

Ancom was in the passenger seat rolling the window down. 

Commie and Nazi were in the backseat. Nazi was on his phone, most likely texting his mom because none of them really had other friends, and Commie was frowning because he called shotgun first.

"Stop being a pissboy. It doesn't matter if you called shotgun first if you're the last one in the car." Ancom teased him. 

"Yeah yeah..." Commie looked out the window. 

"Should I do a couple donuts? There's no one else in the parking lot." Ancap looked at his reflection in the rearview mirror. 

"I will jump out of the moving car if you do that." Nazi kicked the back of Ancap's seat. 

"Just drive, Kulak." Commie spat. 

"Okay okay." Ancap finally started the car and got on the road. He almost immediately started speeding, and Ancom stuck their head out of the window like a dog. They then eventually stood up and stuck their entire upper body out of the car as Ancap speeded down a hill. 

"You're going to get your head cut off." Nazi smirked a little.

"Да, I saw that in a movie." Commie added.

"Or you'll get Ancap arrested." The smirk left Nazi's face.

"Да, that, too." Commie shook his head. 

Ancom sat back down in the car. "Fine." 

Nazi came to a realization. "You're not wearing a seatbelt." 

"Ancap isn't wearing a seatbelt either." Ancom replied. 

"Why aren't you two wearing seatbelts?"

"Why are you wearing a seatbelt?" 

"Ancap sucks at driving." 

"Well, I don't think Ancap sucks at driving. It's not like you're any good at driving." 

"That's true, but you can't bash fascists if you're dead." 

"That's true." 

"You cannot huff sharpies either." Commie added. 

"That's true." 

"You can't stick your head out of moving cars either." Ancap added.

"The joys of life." Ancom watched the rapidly changing scenery while the wind blew through their already messy hair. "Do you guys wanna sneak into a movie?"

"Why do we have to sneak in? Can't we just pay?" Commie shrugged.

"It's part of the fun. If it's a cheap movie theater, there won't be any good movies anyway, so we can sit and talk in an empty theater." 

"That's basically what we were doing at school." Nazi raised an eyebrow. 

"It's more fun when it's illegal." 

"No, we have to get Nazi home to his mommy." Ancap teased. 

Nazi's face turned red. "Commie, strangle him!" 

"Why? He is not breaking the law." Commie asked. 

"Commie, strangle him!" 

"It will only turn me on." Ancap chuckled. 

"Fuck you!" Nazi kicked Ancap's seat again.

"Why is Ancap gayer than me?" Ancom wondered. 

"It's called confidence." Ancap replied. 

"It's called degeneracy." Nazi corrected him. 

"Tom-ay-to, tom-ah-to." 

"Uh huh." 

"Anyway, we're at your house. Get out of my car." 

The end of a very productive day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know if i'll ever write more chapters  
> i like writing these dumb fics so might idk we'll see
> 
> i never know how to end my fics so uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> also i had no idea how to write the tomato tomato thing because if i just said tomato tomato it would look like i typed tomato twice  
> i also have no idea what the office women are called or what they even do except spell my name wrong smh my head


	2. the problem with school dances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> second verse same as the first but a whole lot shorter and a whole lot worse!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter gets kind of soft near the end.  
> im glad people like my dumb fics. i write them instead of actually being productive.

The whole club thing wasn't going very well. 

The political debate club's new poster actually looked pretty cool, but it didn't make much of a difference. Everyone else at the extremists' school thought a political debate club sounded boring. 

To be honest, the lack of new members was making the gang's club activities boring. Sometimes they argued with each other, but they didn't really need a club room to do that. 

"It's okay that no one is joining our club." Ancap began.

"Why do you say that?" Commie raised an eyebrow.

"It gives me more time to be with my girlfriend." 

"Ew. The freshman?" Ancom grimaced.

"You're dating a freshman?" Nazi sounded disgusted. 

"Yep." Ancap smiled. 

"Why are you proud of that?" Ancom also sounded disgusted. 

"There's nothing wrong with it." Ancap answered. 

"There is a lot wrong with it, Kulak." Commie crossed his arms. 

"Not really. We're going on our first date tonight. And I bought us tickets to the dance next week." 

"Gross." Nazi stood up and left the room. 

Ancom, who was sitting on top of a desk instead of on the floor, shrugged. They guessed Nazi had learned his lesson and took his call outside the room. "Freshmen are gross. Why would you want to date one?"

"The age gap won't be so weird once she's out of high school." Ancap answered.

"Да, in four years!" 

"You're just jealous. Anyway, if you want me to drive you home, you should shut up. I'm going to be late for my date if we don't leave now." Ancap smiled smugly. 

**_____**

"She's breaking up with me!" Ancap threw up his arms in anger. 

"You deserve it." Ancom looked at Ancap unapologetically. 

"You don't even know why!" Ancap crossed his arms. "She didn't like my fedora! She said it made me look like a neckbeard redditor. I told her that I actually do use Reddit, and then she asked me to drive her home and blocked my number!" 

"You deserve it." Nazi smiled. Seeing Ancap so distressed was nice. 

"You deserve it, Kulak." Commie was enjoying this more than Nazi. 

"What do I do now?! I have two tickets to the dance and no one to go with." 

"We should all go to the dance together." Ancom smiled. 

"No. We shouldn't." Nazi shook his head. 

"It'll be fun." 

"No, it won't. You always say that." 

"C'mon. We'll only be teenagers once. You should enjoy it." 

"I won't enjoy it at a stupid school dance." 

"You can't spend your entire life on 4chan, Nazi. You should get out more anyway." Ancom spoke in a tone that was half teasing and half sympathetic. "You'll go to the dance with us, right, Tankie?" Ancom looked at the communist. 

"I don't know, Anarkiddy. I hate school dances as much as Nazi."

"We can eat pizza at my house afterwards." Ancap offered. 

"Oh, yeah then sure."

"You should have said that earlier."

**_____**

Ancap honked his horn. 

Ancom was taking forever, and he was getting annoyed. Ancap had ditched his fedora because he was still upset about the freshman that dumped him. His hair was gelled back and his sunglasses looked nicer than the pair he normally wore. He was wearing a suit, but Ancap normally dressed nicely, so it wasn't surprising. 

Ancom rushed out of their house. They were wearing a tacky suit that was like a powder blue tuxedo from the 70's, but it was green instead of blue. They hopped in the car and smiled at Ancap. 

"What the hell are you wearing?" 

"A suit." 

"I can see that. But why are you wearing *that* suit?!" 

"Why? Are you jealous?" Ancom's smile turned into a smirk.

"You look like you only have one working braincell."

"You fuckin' bet I do."

Ancap sighed and drove to Commie's house. This time, he didn't need to honk because Commie was patiently waiting outside. He was dressed nicely and didn't seem to mind Ancom's tuxedo. "You're late, Kulak." 

"Blame them." Ancap gestured at Ancom, who was messing with their hair while they studied their reflection in the side mirror. 

Commie got in the car and Ancap drove to Nazi's house. Nazi's suit was tacky. Not nearly as bad as Ancom's, but tacky nonetheless. 

"You're late." 

"Yeah. Whatever." Ancap replied. 

**_____**

Unsurprisingly, the extremists spent most of the dance standing near a wall awkwardly like a worse version of Weezer's blue album. 

"This sucks. I was right. Can we leave now?" Nazi looked away from his friends and towards the door. 

"It would be more fun if you were dancing." Ancom took a sip of the punch, which was watered down red Kool-Aid and ginger ale. 

"You're not dancing." 

"I will." 

"When?" 

"Now." Ancom turned to Commie. "Hey, dance with me." 

"No." Commie responded bluntly.

Ancom turned to Ancap. "Hey, dance with me." 

"Fine." 

Ancom led Ancap away from the wall. They recognized the song that was playing but couldn't remember the name. That didn't stop them from dancing like an idiot. 

At least it made Ancap laugh and dance with them. 

Nazi was surprised that no one else seemed to notice or care that Ancom and Ancap were dancing like actual morons. 

Commie seemed to notice this as well and dragged Nazi away from the wall so he could dance with him. 

Nazi is a horrible dancer, (see political compass rap) but it didn't really matter. The stupid school dance was actually starting to feel like fun. 

And the extremists had fun during the ride to Ancap's house, too. Ancom was standing in the car again, feeling the wind blow through their hair, and Ancap had the music turned up about as loud as it could get. The statists were the bed of the truck Ancap was driving instead of the car he usually drove. Commie was looking at the stars above them while Nazi ranted about something that Commie could neither hear nor cared about. 

Ancap was the type of person who only bought completely useless objects. So, it made sense that he had an expensive speaker that was designed to look like a stereo from the 90's. He had stolen a couple beers from his refrigerator and the gang had a party in his backyard. 

At first, Ancap was a little afraid of his neighbors calling the cops, but he remembered that he's rich, so it doesn't matter. 

Ancom was yelling the lyrics to a song that was more screaming than rap had enough bass to shake the entire neighborhood. 

Commie hated songs like that, but he enjoyed seeing his friend have fun. 

Nazi seemed to know the lyrics, but only ever said the n-word. Ancom always paused when it came up. At first, they thought they just imagined it. The second time, they gave Nazi a death glare. Nazi only smirked in the response. The third time it happened, Ancom tackled Nazi to the ground and started beating him up. 

Commie and Ancap didn't really want to break up the fight. 

Nazi was laughing because he thought Ancom's anger was funny. Ancom was laughing because Nazi was going to die soon. 

The two eventually calmed down and the other extremists joined them on the soft grass of Ancap's yard. 

"What are you going to do after we graduate?" Commie asked after a few minutes of silence. 

"Why are you asking that now? It's only September." Nazi stretched and lied down on his back. 

"It's important." 

"I think I'll move away and go to college, get a job, and sell feet pics for extra money." Ancom answered casually. 

"That's degenerate." 

"What's wrong with going to college?" 

"That's not the problem." 

"Why would you want to move away? The taxes are low here. It's peaceful. Nothing really happens. It's nice." Ancap asked. 

"That's exactly why I want to move away. Nothing happens here." 

"That's a stupid reason." 

Ancom shook their head. "You only say that because your family settled here a hundred years ago and never left." 

"I would not mind moving away either." Commie began. "I have good memories here, but there are no hopes of starting a revolution here. The people are not passionate enough." 

"Why do you need to start a revolution?" Nazi furrowed his brows. 

"If I don't, who will?" 

"Are we all going our separate ways, then?" Ancap's question was met with nods from the other three. 

"I guess we'll just have to make the most of this year." Ancom smiled. "Starting with this stupid club we made." 

**_____**

The four passed out in Ancap's bedroom. Ancap was in his bed, under the covers. Ancom was mostly on the floor with one of their legs on the floor and one of their arms resting on their chest. Nazi fell asleep in a corner of the room with his phone still glowing brightly because he fell asleep while browsing r/greentexts. Commie was sleeping under a blanket he made Ancap give him because the capitalist was tired of hearing him complain about not distributing his goods equally. 

When the sun finally crept into Ancap's room, Ancom got an idea. "We should break into the playground of our old elementary school." 

"Okay."

"Sure."

"Sounds good to me." 

And off they went. 

Breaking into the playground was easy. Hopping over a four foot tall fence wasn't exactly hard. It was exactly how they remembered it, which made it kind of uncanny. The sun was blocked by clouds that made the sky grow more and more overcast. It had the same pinkish tint that the group remembered it having in some obscure memory deep in their minds. The hill the playground was on overlooked the nearby neighborhoods, and when Ancom climbed on top of the monkey bars, he was able to see some of the businesses down the road and the pale blue shadows of mountains that were almost invisible because of all the clouds. 

Ancap saw Ancom on top of the monkey bars and walked towards the swings. "There's no way in hell I'm getting on that thing.

"Why?" Nazi asked him.

"I'm not going to break my neck in a playground." 

"Italians..." Nazi muttered.

"Italian? I'm not Italian. Why do you say that?" 

"Because you're a coward." 

Ancap shook his head and kept walking away.

"Hey, Ancom help me get up there." Nazi yelled from below them. 

"No, fuck off. I'm doing the nostalgia thing." Ancom sighed. "Life was more simple when we were kids, huh?" 

"You still haven't grown up." Nazi scoffed. 

Ancom jumped down the money bars to punch Nazi in the arm. 

The two joined Commie and Ancap, who were sitting on the swings. The four looked pretty stupid. They were wearing suits that clearly looked like they had been slept in. The gel in Ancap's hair had stopped doing its job hours ago, Ancom looked like they were half asleep despite being awake for almost an hour and a half, Nazi was actually asleep, and Commie wasn't wearing his ushanka for once. 

When the extremists were comfortable in the silence of each other's company, you could barely tell how much they absolutely hated each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dont date freshmen or else it's gulag/nuke/molotov/ak-47 time  
> i'd also say no underage drinking but that would be hypocritical  
> also during the polcomp rap nazi is doing the dumbest shit its too funny   
> my formatting will always be inconsistent cuz thats showbiz babeyyy


	3. a halloween party's a bad excuse to put your body through mad abuse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shadow the hedgehog pissed on my wife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot how to spell halloween  
> i didn't capitalize it in the title so spellcheck said it was wrong and i said it's not wrong but i had to double check  
> i should stop posting these things late at night but i have nothing better to do  
> im pretty sure the fbi agent watching me gets really confused when i write these   
> i hope im on some really weird government watch list and some poor guy in his 40s is forced to monitor me and analyze the jreg smut i wrote on my phone a couple weeks ago

"I know why our club has no members." Ancap announced. 

"Is it because no one likes us?" Ancom asked while chewing on the bottom of a pen. 

"Is it because half of us have no morals?" Nazi asked. 

"Is it because you're a dirty capitalist?" Commie crossed his arms.

"No." Ancap began. "It's because we're not bribing anyone." 

Commie sighed. "We can't just bribe people every time we need something." 

"Well, not with money. We could just hand out cookies or something."

"We could have a Halloween party." Ancom chimed in.

"What's with you and parties? We don't need to have a party. Besides, Halloween is like two weeks away." Nazi sneered. 

"No, Ancom said something smart. If we can show the rest of the school that we're not boring or insufferable, they'll join our club."

"Yeah. We should raid the home-ec room, too." Ancom nodded. 

"No. We shouldn't." 

"Coward." 

"Italians..." Nazi grumbled. 

"Nazi, I swear I'm gonna beat your ass if you keep calling me an Italian." 

"Can you two shut up?" Commie tried to ignore the sight of Ancom chewing on their pen.

"We should make cookies from scratch." Ancom said. 

"No, we shouldn't." Nazi 

"It'll be fun." 

"You always say that." 

"I'm always right." 

"We can just buy cookies." Ancap tapped on the desk he was sitting at.

"No. It's not the same." Ancom bit into their pen's ink cartridge thing and decided to stop chewing on it.

"They are right." Commie nodded. "Homemade cookies would taste better." 

"Hey, Nazi. Doesn't your mom bake? We could make the cookies at your house." 

"No, Ancom. My mom uses the oven a lot, but she doesn't bake. Not to mention, both my parents hate you. And last time the three of you were at my house, you made fun of my room." 

"There were rare pepes everywhere. It was funny." 

"Do you still have that anime body pillow?" Ancap smirked. 

"No! Fuck off!" 

"It's okay, comrades. We can make the cookies at my house. I have a very nice kitchen." Commie smiled.

"Isn't there a framed picture of Che Guevara in your bedroom?" Ancap asked him.

"Does it matter?" 

"Not really." 

"Good. Then, we will make cookies at my house."

**_____**

"I brought flour." Ancom spoke as they walked into Commie's house, holding the large bag of flour in their arms. 

"You look tired. Did you walk here?" Commie asked while he closed the door. 

"Yep." 

"Why didn't you just ask Ancap to drive you?" 

"I didn't want to pay him back for gas money." 

"Oh."

"And it's been a while since the two of us have hung out together." 

"Да, we used to be closer when we were kids." 

"Mhm." Ancom set the bag of flour on a counter. 

"Nazi is already here." 

"Where is he?" 

"He said he was going to the bathroom, but I think he's just in my room looking for something to embarrass me with." 

"Oh, cool." 

"Да." 

"Do you think he'll find anything?" 

As if on command, Nazi ran into the kitchen. "Oh, Commie! Guess what I found?" 

"What are you yelling about?" Ancap also walked into the kitchen. 

"Kulak, did you break into my house?" 

"You didn't lock the door. And disrespecting borders is praxis. I thought you didn't like private property?" Ancap smiled smugly. 

"None of that matters. Look what I have..." Nazi looked as if he couldn't contain his excitement as he proudly displayed a pair of Shadow the Hedgehog underwear. 

"Pfft--" Ancom broke into hysterical laughter. 

Commie looked horrified for a few seconds before he started laughing nervously. "Haha. That is very funny, comrade. Can't you tell that those are from when I was a kid?" 

"Then, Commie..." Nazi chuckled. "Why are they your size?" 

Ancom was on the floor at this point. 

Ancap was starting to laugh, too. "How do you know they're his size?" 

"... That doesn't matter." 

"Whatever. We should start baking now." 

**_____**

Surprisingly, the cookies turned out okay, but they were just plain sugar cookies. 

"I bought frosting to decorate them." Ancap said. "You'll have to pay me back for it." 

"All of us?" Nazi frowned. 

"Yeah, of course."

Ancom was pretty shit at decorating cookies. Commie and Ancap were bad at it, too, but Nazi was somewhat good at it.

"Hey, Nazi, why are you so good at this?" Ancom asked him. 

"You know Hitler was an artist, right?" Nazi answered." 

**_____**

It was the day of the party. 

Posters had been put up around the school. They looked like a child made them, and it was sort of true because Ancom made them. 

"Ancom, did you make these posters at 4:20 a.m. like the last ones?" Ancap asked them.

"No, I made them at 3 like a normal person." Ancom responded. 

"Whatever. What's your costume supposed to be?" 

Ancom was wearing an NKGB uniform. "I'm dressed as Tankie." 

"I see that, but what's with the pig ears?" 

"Animal farm." 

"Сука блядь." Commie cursed while he hung up orange and black streamers. He was dressed as the monopoly man, which was just to make fun of Ancap. 

"Ancom is wearing pig ears because he's a furry." Nazi spoke. He was wearing a cat onesie. 

"I'm not a 'he'." Ancom frowned. "And I'm not a furry either. Why are you wearing a onesie?" 

"Because you're a furry." 

"Wouldn't you be a furry for wearing that?" 

"No."

"Why not?" 

"Because I'm not a furry. You are."

"I'm not the one wearing a cat onesie." 

"Can one of you help me decorate instead of arguing like children?" Commie hit Nazi in the back of his head. 

"I'll set up the snack table." Ancom said and walked away.

"Fine. I'll help." Nazi looked through the bag of decorations Commie had brought. They were all kind of stupid and tacky, but there was one of those light-up disco ball things. When he plugged it in, it seemed bright enough to light up most of the room. 

Ancap turned on the projector to play an old DVD of a Disney movie. 

"What is that, Kulak." Commie asked him. 

"Hocus Pocus." He answered while he struggled with the DVD player. 

"Is it good?" 

"Who cares?" 

**_____**

Ancap was pleasantly surprised. Some people actually showed up to the Political Debate Club's stupid Halloween party. He didn't recognize most of them, but there was someone he did know. 

"Hey, Libertarian." 

"Oh, hey there Ancap. Nice party." 

Neither Ancap nor Libertarian were wearing costumes. 

"Thanks. You should join my club. There's too many statists, and I need another person who understands economics." 

"I'm sorry, Ancap, but that Nazi is a bit too extreme for me. I don't like that Communist either." 

"Oh, Nazi isn't that bad. You're friends with Hoppean, aren't you?

"Well, yes, but Hoppean isn't a statist like Nazi is."

"Fine." 

Speaking of Nazi, he was also talking to someone. He didn't know what his name was, and he was dressed like the Fresh Prince of Bel-air except white and nerdy. 

"So, are you interested in joining the club?" Nazi asked him. 

"No, I fucking hate you guys." Radical Centrist laughed a little. 

Ancom ran up to Nazi. "Do you know who the guy in the gorilla costume is?" 

Nazi raised an eyebrow. "No." 

"Cool. I'm gonna go beat him up."

"Why?" 

"I hate his vibes, dude! They're awful!" 

"Have you been huffing sharpies again?" 

"Remember when we were kids and we snorted that sugar candy stuff?"

"No, Ancom. I never did that."

"Well, I did that, too. I have so much energy. I'm gonna go beat up that gorilla." Ancom ran away before Nazi could stop them. 

"See." Radical Centrist began. "You're all too extreme, and not the good kind." 

"Whatever."

**_____**

The party was over, and the Political Debate Club had the same number of members. Ancom swept while he grumbled angrily. "I can't believe no one joined our club." 

"I believe it." Commie took down the decorations.

"It really do be like that, huh?" 

"Да." 

Ancap looked at his watch. It was almost 8 p.m., so the school had to be completely empty. He walked up to Ancom and tapped their arm. "You're it." 

"What?" 

"You're it. I tagged you." 

Ancom tapped Commie's arm. "You're it." 

Commie walked over to Nazi and tapped his arm. "You're it." 

"What?" Nazi was confused. 

"You're it, comrade." 

Ancap and Ancom ran out of the room. 

"I'm gonna kill those two." Nazi ran after them. 

Commie laughed as he ran after them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> keep posting nice comments i just never know how to respond to them half the time but i really love reading them  
> this is basically just a slice of life anime but with political ideologies instead of anime girls and that's kind of weird  
> i made ancom chew on their pen because one time i started chewing on a pen our of boredom but then i could taste the ink so i think i bit through it. it wasn't the first time i tasted pen ink but i hope it was the last


	4. mais maïs maze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what anarcho-syndicalism means

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dude like i couldn't write this chapter because i was too busy spiraling and everything i wrote was bad but now im back and on crack ape mode babeyy so i wrote all of this in one night fueled by caffeine and microwave popcorn 
> 
> also i guess i'll have to stop chewing on pens because i broke one  
> but like whatever

Ancap and Ancom walked into the club room, both of them holding two pints of ice cream. 

“Where did you get ice cream?” Commie asked.

“The grocery store down the street. Ancom and I always skip study hall.” Ancap answered, handing the communist a pint of ice cream. “You’ll have to pay me back.”

Nazi managed to catch the carton of ice cream that Ancom threw at him. “I don’t want ice cream, and I don’t want to pay you back. You’re always making me do shit I don’t want to do and then making me pay you back.”

“You’re just mad because you’re lactose intolerant.” Ancom said while stuffing their face with ice cream.

“Shut up, brace face.” 

Ancom threw their empty carton at Nazi’s face. “I think I found someone who will join our club?”

“Who?” Commie asked. 

“An old friend.” 

“That’s very cryptic.” 

The four extremists, lead by Ancom, walked to a field next to the school and towards a person laying down in the middle of it. “Hey, Ansyn. This is the club I told you about earlier.”

“Hey, Ancom.” Anarcho-Syndicalism sat up, taking the blunt out of his mouth. 

“Hello, Anarcho-Syndicalism.” Ancap said.

“Hello, Anarcho-Capitalism.” He said mockingly. “Ancom, I don’t think I want to join your club anymore.”

“Why?” Ancom sat down next to him and smoked the blunt after it was offered to them. 

Ansyn gestured to Nazi and Commie. “I hate those two statist assholes,” then, he gestured to Ancap, “and I fuckin’ hate that guy. Honestly, Ancom, you’d be better off making your own club.” 

“I have thought about making a club just for other anarchists…“

“Ancom, our school already has a GSA.” Nazi said. 

“Shit, you’re right…” Ancom said and looked back at Ansyn. “Are you sure you don’t want to join the club?” 

“Yep.” He said unapologetically and lied back down. 

“Anarcho-Syndicalism, should really be smoking at school?” Commie asked. 

“What are you, a cop?” 

Commie shrugged and the extremists left. 

“Hey, Ancom. What is Anarcho-Syndicalism?” Ancap asked. 

“No idea.” They answered. 

“What do we do now?” Commie asked.

“Wanna get stoned in my basement?” Ancom suggested. 

“I feel like you’re referencing something, and I don’t like it. Not to mention, that’s degenerate.” Nazi said.

Ancap checked his phone. “There’s a haunted corn maze we can go to.” 

“Why would we go to a haunted corn maze?” Nazi asked. 

“It’s late October.” 

“That doesn’t mean we have to go.” 

“Who cares. It’ll be fun.” Ancom said. 

“I swear if you fucking say that again, I’m going to beat you up.” 

“Do it, pussy.” 

Nazi and Ancom wrestled around on the ground for a while. Well, if you could even call it wrestling.

“Can you two just get in the car?” Ancap asked while he unlocked the doors.

“Yeah, okay.” Ancom stopped fighting and stood up.

“Yep.” Nazi stood up shortly after. 

**_____**

The extremists road through the countryside, passing by seemingly endless fields and small lakes and rivers. Every time they would drive past cows, Ancom would roll down their window and loudly yell out, “Cows!” and the cows wouldn’t even look back at them, but they would keep doing it anyway.

When they got to the corn maze, the four decided to split up. Ancap and Ancom immediately started running through the corn, ignoring anyone who told them to stop. The only reason why the two eventually slowed down is because Ancom tripped on a rock and almost busted his skull open. 

“Oh shit! Are you okay?” Ancap asked.

“Oh yeah, dude! I think my head is bleeding, but it wouldn’t be the first time.” Ancom responded, brushing the dirt off their sweatpants. 

The two walked through the maze. When someone in a costume finally jumped out to scare them, Ancom almost punched them before they asked Ancap, “Did he just violate the NAP?”

“I think he did. Punch him! Punch him! Punch him!” Ancap chanted.

“Okay, I think you two have to leave. You’re acting a bit too extremely. That’s against the rules.” The man in the costume said.

“Fuck your rules, dude.” Ancom ran away. 

“Yeah, I paid to be here.” Ancap flipped him off and he ran after them. 

**_____**

The two authoritarians walked through the maze. Commie didn’t seem to crae very much, while Nazi was walking pretty cautiously. 

Commie chuckled. “You look like an Italian.”

“Haha. Very funny.” Nazi said sarcastically. 

“Seriously. It is just a corn maze. I think I saw children doing this. You are just a coward.” 

“I’m not a coward. I just value my life.”

“It’s a corn maze.”

“Whatever.” 

They continued walking until someone hopped out of the corn to scare them. 

“Sweet mother of Julius Evola!” Nazi yelled.

“What the fuck did you just say?” Commie looked at him with a mixture of confusion and concern.

“I didn’t say anything.” 

“That doesn’t matter anymore. Whatever. Let’s just try to leave, ладно?”

**_____**

When the authoritarians reached the end of the corn maze, they noticed that the anarchists were there, too. 

“Took you long enough.” Ancap said.

“How did you get out so quickly?” Commie asked. 

“They escorted us out.” Ancom said with a smile. 

“Yep.” Ancap smiled. 

“You’re proud of that?” Nazi crossed his arms.

“Of course.” Ancap answered. 

“Why wouldn’t we be proud?” Ancom asked. 

“We did it in record time, too.”

“Uh huh.” 

“What should we do now?” Commie asked.

“We don’t have to do anything.” Nazi said. “We can just go home.”

“No. We don’t have school tomorrow. Do you really have to get on 4chan tonight? I have an idea for something we can do.” Ancom smiled. 

**_____**

“Anarkiddie, we shouldn’t sleep outside. It’s October.” Commie said as he and the other two extremists followed them up a hill.

“It’ll be fine. We have blankets. You can sleep in Ancap’s car if you get cold.” 

“All of you will have to pay me back for using my blankets and sleeping in my car.” Ancap added.

“Why am I always paying for shit.” Nazi grumbled. 

“It’ll be worth it.” Ancom smiled as they reached the top of the hill. “It’s a clear night, so you can see the stars, and in the morning, we’ll be able to see the rest of the city.” 

“Sounds pretty gay to me.” Nazi said.

“No one cares, coward.” Ancom punched him in the arm. 

Ancap spread out the largest blanket he brought onto the grass. He pulled a speaker out of his pocket and started playing music. Ancap always liked old music in a way that was kind of pretentious but not pretentious enough to make him completely unlikable. 

Ancom lied down on their back and looked at the stars. “I’m pretty sure that’s Orion.” They pointed at a cluster of stars. 

“Really?” Commie asked, lying down next to them. 

“Yep. I think that’s also Orion.” They pointed at another group of stars. 

“I don’t think you know where Orion is.” Nazi said, sitting down on the blanket.

“You’re absolutely right.” 

“I could be playing Call of Duty right now.”

Ancap shook his head. “You have the rest of your life to play Call of Duty and yell at twelve year olds and other neckbeards like you who live in their mom’s basement.

“I have the rest of my life to stargaze on random hills.” 

“No, you don’t. You’ll have to get a job and you won’t have time to sit on hills and look at stars. And then, you’ll get old and you won’t want to climb up hills, and then, you’ll die alone in your mom’s basement because you spent your teenage years in your mom’s basement playing Call of Duty.” 

“Whatever.” 

“Dude, it’s a shooting star. Make a wish.” Ancom said. 

“Ancom, that’s a plane.” Ancap said. 

“I could really use a wish right now… wish right now… wish right now…” 

“Ancom, I’m going to throw you off of this hill.” Nazi furrowed his brows. 

“Do it, coward.” Ancom smirked. 

While Nazi tried to drag Ancom off the hill, Commie looked over at Ancap. “You know, I kind of like that we only do pointless things. It helps me forget that I have eighteen hours of homework to do that is all due on the same day.”

“You and me both, pal. You and me both.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've never been in a haunted corn maze but i've been in a regular corn maze and in a haunted house type thing so whatever.  
> do i endorse skipping school? only if it's not a real class. study hall isn't real. send tweet  
> also ancom with braces is me at peak brain power. i dont need braces because im a sexy god but like they look nice i guess


	5. ancom falls into a lake and fucking dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter cuz im angry  
> this chapter is kinda trash but you're getting what u paid for and this is 100% free content babey so that's why its trash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dude the virus means i cant do anything because everything is closed and as much as i like being a basement dweller, if im forced to do stay home and do nothing for much longer im going feral

Ancom groaned out of boredom and angrily looked out the window. “Why are we at school? It’s snowing.” 

“They can’t close school every time it snows.” Commie answered. 

“Them…“ Nazi grumbled. 

“It’s sticking to the ground.” Ancom said. 

“But, it’s not sticking to the roads.” Ancap said. 

“Дa, because the state puts salt on the roads.” 

“See, Ancom. You should blame the state for making you go to school. _And_ , for making me pay taxes.” Ancap said smugly.

“You don’t pay taxes.” Nazi said. “You don’t have a job.”

“Even if the kulak had a job, he wouldn’t pay taxes.” Commie rolled his eyes.

“Do you think the lake is frozen?” Ancom asked.

“Do you mean the pond down the road?” Ancap raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, that.” 

“Maybe.” 

“Cool. I’m gonna skate on it.”

“Ice skating? You sound like a girl.” Nazi rolled his eyes.

“I’m not going ice skating. I’m going to slide around the ice with my normal shoes on.”

“You’re going to break your neck.” Commie said.

“I hope he breaks his neck.” Nazi smirked.

“I hope you get doxxed by your 4chan friends and your mom takes away your XBox.” Ancom crossed their arms.

**_____**

Nazi laughed to himself. “Karma’s a bitch, isn’t she?” 

“Shut up.” Ancom said, dragging themselves out of the pond.

“I guess it wasn’t actually frozen.” Commie said, watching them instead of actually helping. 

“You look like a wet dog.” 

“Shut up, asshole. I’m gonna get hypothermia.” Ancom shook their wet hair like a wet dog. 

“Hey, Nazi.You live near here, right?” 

“Yeah, why?”

“And your parents aren’t home, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“We’re going to your house, then.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Why not? Ancom is dying.” 

“Yeah, I’m dying.” Ancom said.

“Yeah. They need to warm up at your house.”

“Why my house? Why not his?”

“Your house is closest. They’re dying.” 

“Yeah, dude. I’m freezing to death.” 

“I don’t care.”

“Nazi, you don’t want to go to jail for committing a hate crime.” Commie shook his head.

“It can’t be a hate crime if I loved doing it.” 

“You can’t play Call of Duty in prison.” 

“Fine.”

“Sick.” Ancom said, walking towards Ancap’s car.

“Ancom, you’re going to ruin my car’s interior. You’re soaking wet.”

“Don’t you have two cars? Why does it matter?”

“Why do you have two cars?” Commie asked.

“I’m rich.” Ancap answered them while he started the car.

“Yeah, but they’re not even two nice cars.” Nazi said.

“Yeah, they’re kinda shit.” Ancom rested their feet on the dash.

“So, why do you have two average cars instead of one good car?” Commie asked.

“Shut up, statist.” 

“Hey, Ancap. Do we really have to go to Nazi’s house? His brothers suck.”

“Ecofascism isn’t home right now. He’s at a… barbeque with my parents, right now.” Nazi said.

“He’s not the one I’m worried about.” 

“Homofascism is a degenerate, but he’s not that bad.”

“He always hits on me.” 

“Don’t flatter yourself, Ancom. He hits on all of us.” Ancap rolled his eyes.

“He’s right, Anarkiddie. Maybe, if you’re nice to him, he’ll join our club.” 

“Whatever.” 

**_____**

“Nice fireplace. I have one like this at my vacation home in the Swiss Alps.” Ancap said, walking into Nazi’s living room.

“Thanks. Ecofascism hates it.” 

“Good. I hate him.” Ancom sat down in front of the fire. 

“You’ll get sick from wearing wet clothes. It’s flu season.” Commie said.

“What are you, a cop? I do what I want. It’s not like I have extra clothes.”

“Nazi, your sexy friends are being too loud.” Homofascism walked into the room. 

“I don’t care, degenerate.” Nazi rolled his eyes.

“C’mon, you don’t have to be so mean to me all the time.”

“Yes, I do. You’re wearing lipstick.” 

“But, the degenerate in front of the fireplace is wearing makeup.”

“I stole my eyeshadow from Sephora. You look like you bought your lipstick at the dollar store.” Ancom said, grimacing.

“You need to stop stealing from Sephora.” Commie crossed his arms.

“Yes, you’re taking money away from big corporations.” Ancap said.

“No, you’re stealing money from the workers. What will happen if you get caught?”

“I won’t.” 

“Homofascism, I bet Ancom will let you use their stolen makeup if you join our club.” Ancap smiled.

“I won’t.” Ancom chimed in.

“Shut up.”

“I wouldn’t join your club even if he did. I’m starting my own club for wacky ideologies, and I already have more members than your shitty club, anyway.” Homofascism smiled.

“God is dead.” Ancom shook his head.

“Да, he is.”

“Oh, Commie, you’re hot when you’re upset like this. You should come over more often.”

“Can we leave now?” 

“Okay, Commie. I guess Ancom will have to die in my car.” Ancap started walking away.

“Sounds good to me.” Ancom walked out of the house.

“Okay.” Nazi followed them.

“You’re leaving too, Nazi?” Homofascism asked.

“Yep.”

“Degenerates…”

“Fuck off, queer.” Nazi closed the door behind him.

“It’s snowing harder.” Ancom pouted.

“They’re not going to cancel school. It’s supposed to warm up tomorrow.” Ancap said.

“You know, Anarkiddie, big corporations are the main cause of global warming. If it weren’t for people like Ancap, school would be cancelled.”

“Shut up, Commie.” Ancap said while he threw a snowball at him.

“Dude! Do it again.” Ancap laughed.

Ancap made another snowball and threw it at Commie and managed to hit him in the face.

“A headshot…” Nazi said, almost impressed.

“You laugh now, bourgeoisie scum.” Commie threw a snowball at him, but missed, hitting Ancom instead.

“Your ass is grass, Tankie.” Ancom threw a snowball at him. 

“Were there rocks in that?!”

“Of course, a degenerate like Ancom would use rocks.”

“Shut up, fascist.” Ancom threw snowballs at him. 

“Yeah, shut up, statist.” Ancap joined them.

“Nazis really do have bad luck when fighting in the snow, don’t they?”

i dont know how to finish this chapter fuck you

is the end a mess? yeah fuck you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eat my entire ass  
> fuck you


	6. christmas new years double feature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> don't forget that this is a shitty slice of life anime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont know how to spell moustache???  
> it auto corrects to mustache but that looks wrong and moustache is technically correct but its just not the american spelling and like   
> what does that even mean??  
> i'll spell words incorrectly on purpose  
> i will cause problems on purpose  
> i may be a biped  
> i may not have feathers  
> but boy i am far too feral to be a man

Commie was shoveling snow in his driveway when Ancap’s car pulled up to his house. 

“You’re late.” 

“Yeah whatever. Get in, shithead.” Ancap said with his usual smug grin.

“Fine.” 

“Y’know,” Ancom started speaking while Commie got into the car. “we could have had a real Christmas party instead of whatever the hell this is.” 

“You and your goddamn parties.” Nazi grumbled.

“You sound like a married couple.” Ancap joked.

“Shut up.” 

“Hey, Tankie. Isn’t it a little late to be shoveling snow?” Ancom asked.

“The proletariat's work is never done.”

“That’s a weird way of saying you forgot to do it earlier.”

“Whatever. Kulak, where are you taking us?”

“The firework store, the one outside of city limits.” Ancap responded.

“Ah. You’re old enough to buy fireworks?”

“We’re all old enough to buy fireworks.”

“I do not think Anarkiddie should be allowed to buy fireworks.”

“Based.” Ancom said.

“You’re like a three-year-old. You’d blow yourself up.” Nazi said.

“Yeah yeah. Shut up, we're going through a tunnel soon, and I wanna stand on the car.” Ancom did exactly what they said. They crawled through the window and climbed onto the roof of Ancap’s shitty car and stood up. 

“Retard! You’re gonna break your fucking neck!” Nazi yelled at them. 

“I’ll be fine.” Ancom yelled back, feeling the wind blow through their hair. “Ah shit.”

“Ancom, what the hell did you do?” Ancap asked. 

“I think there’s a dent in the roof.” Ancom said while they climbed back into the car. 

“You put a dent in my car?!”

“Damaging private property is praxis.” Commie said with a smirk on his face.” 

“Hell yeah dude!” 

“I’m going to throw you two out of this fucking car.”

**_____**

“Minarchist, I didn’t know you worked here.” Ancap said while the other three extremists filled a shopping cart with various fireworks. 

“Mhm.”

“Aren’t your parents rich?”

“Mhm. But, I get an employee discount so I buy fireworks from here and sell them for double the price to freshmen.”

“Smart.”

“Hoppean used to work here, too, but he got fired.”

“I wonder why.” 

“Haha. It’s worse than you think.”

“Oh, I can only imagine.”

“Anway, why did you bring those authoritarians in here?”

“Shut up, Minarchist. A night-watchman state is still a state, so you’re just as bad. Just let me use your employee discount and we’ll leave.” 

“Fine.” 

“Minarchist, are these ones actually illegal in other states?” Ancom asked while they looked at 

“They’re illegal here, too.”

“Sick. Ancap, we’re buying all of the illegal ones.”

“I hope you explode.” Nazi crossed his arms. 

“They’re not actually illegal.” Minarchist reassured him.

Ancap nodded. “Lying to consumers is praxis.” 

**_____**

“10, 9, 8…” 

The extremists walked towards the middle of the field next to their school.

“7, 6, 5…”

Commie stopped Ancom from getting too close to the fireworks while Ancap and Nazi lit them.

“4, 3, 2…” 

Ancap and Nazi ran away as the fireworks shot into the air.

“1. Happy fuckin’ uhh….” Ancom said.

“You ruined it! Dumbass! You fucking ruined it! All you had to say was ‘Happy New Year!’ That was your only job! What the hell is wrong with--” 

Nazi was cut off by Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

“It’s the first song you got to hear this year.” Ancom said with a smile.

“You’re a bastard.”

“Can you two shut up? You remembered to bring presents, right?” Ancap asked.

“Mhm.” Ancom answered. “Here’s your present, Nazi.” 

“One dollar and a sticky note that says ‘merry christmas?’ Did you write this with a crayon?”

“Yep.”

“Not bad.”

“Anarkiddie, here is your present.”

“Black nail polish. Thanks.” 

“No problem.”

“Why would you wear nail polish?” Nazi asked.

“Why do you still ask questions?” Ancap shook his head. “Anway. Here’s my present for you, Commie.” He handed him a sheet of paper. 

“What is this?”

“It’s your debt. You don’t owe me money anymore.”

“Ah, thanks? Do you keep track of everyone’s debt like this? You should really get a girlfriend or a hobby.” 

“Haha… ha… yeah.”

“Ancap, Here’s your present.” Nazi said while he handed it to him. 

“A fake moustache?”

“Mhm.”

“Why?” 

“You’re Italian.”

“I’m not Italian!” 

“He’s doing you a favor, Kulak. It’s not like you can grow a real moustache.” Commie said.

“He’s right.” Ancom agreed.

“Just put it on.” Nazi said with a smug grin.

“Fine.” 

“Now, say the words.”

Ancap sighed. “Bada bing.”

“Bada boom.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is kinda ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
> but my ear is ringing so loudly that it's giving me a headache so this is the best thing you can get  
> like dude my ear sounds like a tuning fork   
> like i found out that people watch tuning fork asmr and shit like that permanently closes your third eye  
> sorry i dont make the rules
> 
> also im not a furry


	7. i don't think just for men™ sells bleach but that's not important

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one is kinda short

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im posting chapter 7 on the 7th isn't that cool  
> that was supposed be sarcastic i think  
> it's 3 am  
> god had to smite me or whatever so my ears are ringing again

Ancap knocked on the door of Nazi’s house. He was pretty confused since Nazi had just sent him a text that only said ‘Help. Come over.’ He didn’t like how ominous it was.

“Oh good. You’re here. Took you long enough.”

“What did you want.”

“I’m going to dye my hair blond so I’ll look less like a you know. I already have blue eyes. It should balance things out.” Nazi said this as if it was completely normal. 

“Uh huh. Is that why you needed my help? You don’t seem like someone who’s dyed their hair before.”

“I guess.” 

Ancap smiled and followed him into the bathroom, picking up the box of Just for Men™ hair bleach on the counter. “This should be easy enough. It’ll just take a while. Sit down, you’re too tall.” 

Nazi was two inches shorter than Ancap, but that wasn’t a big difference. The white identitarian stole a bar stool from the kitchen, dragged it into the bathroom, and sat down. 

Ancap put on gloves and started going to town. When he was finished he took them off and admired his work. “You’re supposed to let it sit for a couple of minutes. But, don’t look. I want it to be a surprise.”

“Okay?”

“Do you wanna listen to music? I know a song you might like.” Before Nazi could protest, Ancap was already playing something. “Tick tock, suck my cock. I take a shit and it goes plop-plop.”

“Ancap, I don’t like this.”

“Annihilate your pussy like Robo-Cop. Your grandma gives me top.”

“Shut up.”

“Put holes in you like Spongebob. Take your hoe to Auschwitz. Fuck Hitler, he smells like shit.”

“Ancap, I hated every second of that. Turn it off.”

“Fine.”

“Can Ancom and Commie come over. You’re kind of boring.”

“Whatever.” 

“Cool. You know, you should also bleach your eyebrows or else they won’t match your hair.”

Nazi rolled his eyes. “Fuck off.”

“You’re right. You could just shave them off instead. Good idea.” 

“Your jokes aren’t funny.”

“I think you can wash the bleach out now.”

“Good.” While Nazi was washing his hair, Commie and Ancom broke into his house and sat in the kitchen.

Nazi’s eyes widened when he finally saw his reflection in the mirror. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!”

Ancap smirked. “I gave you frosted tips.”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” He yelled as he stormed out of the room, interrupting whatever conversation Commie and Ancom we’re having. 

“So, I was drinking the hot sauce right--” Ancom stopped speaking and looked at Nazi’s hair. “You look like Guy Fieri!” They laughed, hitting their hand on the kitchen island they were sitting at. 

Commie was practically wheezing. “Are you going to give us a one-way ticket to Flavortown?”

“Holy shit, dude! You look like you belong in a 90’s boyband!” 

“You did that, kulak?”

Ancap nodded, but he didn’t laugh. He just had his same smug smile. 

Nazi wanted to kill him right then and there.

“I’m going to beat you to death.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would say sorry for this chapter being so short and shitty but i do what i want and i feel no remorse  
> uh thanks for reading this anyway  
> maybe i ate too much nutmeg but i went back in time today  
> like i went back by like a second or at least it felt like that


	8. i'll change the title when i think of a good one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> nazbol gang

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you'd think that quarantine would give me more time to write but im lazy no matter how much time i have

“You’re supposed to draw four.” Nazi said.

“Dude, I think you just made that up.” Ancom looked up at him with a confused look on their face.

“No. Street rules.”

“Street rules?”

“Nazi, I’m pretty sure Uno doesn’t have street rules.” Ancap said.

“Rules aren’t real, anyway.”

“Ancom, I told you to stay away from Max Stirner. It’ll rot your brain.”

“You sound like a dad, but not a cool one. Like a golf dad.”

The gang had decided to hang out in the auditorium instead of their club room. Commie was playing the Tetris theme on the piano while the other three were on the stage playing Uno.

“I quit.” Ancom threw their cards on the floor.

“You’re just mad because you’re shit at this.” Nazi said.

“No, dude. I could beat your ass harder than Russians in winter. Your rules just suck.” 

“You’re right, Ancom. Let’s go start a fire in the chem lab.” Ancap said, standing up.

“Hell yeah!”

“Ancap, you’re going to get us arrested. My little brother is in a meeting with the Homonationalist’s club. Can you give him a ride home or wherever we’re going?” Commie said as he finished playing.

Ancap groaned. “I don’t want three statists in my car.”

“C’mon, Ancap. Nazbol is good at Guitar Hero.” Ancom said.

“Why does that matter?”

“I’m shit at Guitar Hero.”

“Ancap, I don’t know what your problem is. Nazbol isn’t that bad.” Nazi shrugged.

“Of course _ you _ would say that.” Ancom rolled their eyes.

Commie nodded. “You’re the reason why he’s a fascist who only wears Adidas track pants.”

“I don’t think you can blame me for the track pants.”

“He has a body pillow of cat girl Mussolini.”

“You can’t blame me for that either.”

“It’s the same one you have.”

“He’s just a man of culture.”

“C… cat girl Mussolini….” Ancom shuddered.

“It’s not degenerate if it’s ironic.”

The extremists walked out of the school and into the rain where Nazbol joined them. 

“You’re late. I blame the kulak. Capitalists are always wasting the proletariat’s time.” Nazbol spat.

“He’s like Commie but worse.” Ancap shuddered.

Nazi cringed every time Ancom jumped in a puddle like a five year old, not just because they kept splashing water on him but because they were wearing crocs with socks instead of the combat boots they normally wore. 

“I’m going to strangle you.”

“Do it pussy, you won’t. No balls.” 

“Nevermind.” Nazi sighed. “Anyway, Nazbol, what were you doing in my brother’s club?”

“Posadism invited me, but I am not wacky like (((them))). I am just a normal extremist. Plus, Anprim was there. He keeps taking his shirt off, and I kept telling him, ‘You are not in an early 2000’s Nickelodeon sitcom. Put your shirt back on, degenerate.’ But he did not. He just said ‘Ooga Booga. Shirt made by machine.’ What is the point of arguing with that?”

“I can’t believe they have more members than us. It’s embarrassing. I tried to get Hoppean to join a few days ago. Nazi and I approached him and I said, ‘Capitalism good.’ and Nazi said, ‘Racism good.’ And, I thought we had won him over, but apparently our club meetings conflict with his busy schedule of making fun of theatre kids and not sleeping.” Ancap ranted as he unlocked the doors to his car. He had just bought a station wagon with wood panelling. It was tacky on purpose because he liked to spend his money on pointless, tacky things.

“You should stop asking capitalists anyway.” Commie said, getting into the car.

“Be quiet. You just want to steal my toothbrush. If I had a choppie, I would have thrown you out of it by now.”

“Where are we going?” Nazbol asked, slightly annoyed because he had to sit in the middle seat. 

“The degenerate’s house.”

“Блядь.”

“Nazi, can you give me a new pet name? I’m getting bored of that one.” Ancom said.

“Wow. You’re so funny. I’m laughing right now.”

“You look like Guy Fieri’s illegitimate child.”

Nazi kicked the back of Ancap’s seat, but he only laughed in response. “I did you a favor. You wanted to be blond.”

When Nazbol woke up that morning, he didn’t think that he would be stuck in Ancap’s shitty station wagon being forced to listen to his brother’s friends argue about Nazi’s shitty hair while Mr. Brightside played very loudly. He really didn’t expect his brother to be completely okay with it either. 

Commie had this sort of smug look on his face. When he noticed that Nazbol was looking at him he said, “This is why you cannot trust capitalists,” in a lighthearted way that sounded like an after school special or a poorly written early 2000’s Nickelodeon sitcom. 

_ Maybe Anprim is onto something.  _

_ Nevermind that.  _

“Kulak, stop speeding.”

“Shut up, Commie. I do what I want.”

“You’re going to get arrested.”

“Ancap’s not going to get arrested, Commie. He’s white.” Ancom said, mildly annoyed.

“Hell yeah!” Nazi went high fived Nazbol.

“Gang.”

“I’m going to jump out of this car.” Ancom said.

“Do it pussy. No balls.” Nazi smirked.

Ancom did it. They scraped their arms a little, but they rolled out of the car and into the grass.

“We were pretty much at your house already. You’re just being dramatic.” Ancap said when he stepped out of the car.

“Whatever.”

The gang (and Nazbol) went to Ancom’s basement. It’s walls were covered in various flags and posters. 

Nazbol sighed when Ancom booted up their PS2 and handed him the plastic guitar. “Maybe you should learn how to play.”

“Just FC the song, dude.”

Ancap decided not to ask how Nazbol was playing a Death Grips song on a PS2 or why Ancom still had a twenty year old console. He sat on the couch, using the other anarchist as a leg rest until they got mad and started kicking him and then used them as a leg rest again when they stopped fighting. 

Nazi and Commie were raiding Ancom’s house for snacks.

“Fucking vegans.” Nazi grumbled. “Who even likes popcorn without butter? It needs butter. I’ll run to your house if it means I can eat popcorn with butter on it.”

“I thought you had a weird complex about things being white and pure. Nevermind. You’re so whiny, like a twelve year old.”

“Speaking of twelve year olds, why don’t you just ask Nazbol to join our club?”

“Naz is not twelve, he’s only two years younger than us. And no. You’re a bad influence. I don’t want him to start reading Breitbart and collecting katanas.”

“Fine.”

The two authoritarians went back to the basement and watched Nazbol play another song. 

“Hey, Ancom?” Ancap asked.

“What?”

“By making Nazbol play Guitar Hero for you, aren’t you relying on the state?”

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dude i started reading homestuck because it's homestuck day  
> it's so long like what the fuck
> 
> dude before i got lazy i was trying to learn basic russian  
> i still don't understand the alphabet  
> i look at the lowercase b and my brain says "ah yes the six. that makes a b sound. that makes sense"  
> and the i see the capital b and i say "what am i looking at? that isn't a real letter"
> 
> i just wanna grill for god's sake!!


	9. armed robbery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> does it count as violating the NAP if you pay someone to do it for you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made this abomination because theholyprophetkek wanted more toothbrushes  
> it's basically a crack fic  
> but i liked writing it and im selfish so thats all that matters
> 
> it's kinda short but uHhHhHhHhHhHHHh  
> whatever

Commie yawned. 

It was 9:30 or 21:30 because he used military time religiously like some kind of  _ maniac. _ And, like a maniac, he saw it as a perfectly normal time to go to sleep. 

He rummaged around the bathroom for a while, but he didn’t find what he was looking for. He sighed as he opened the door to Nazbol’s room without knocking. 

“Get out of my fucking room, mom-- Oh, it’s you?” Nazbol was doing what he normally did at 9:30, playing CoD next to his body pillow of catgirl Mussolini. 

Commie cringed a little. He hated that body pillow, but that was a problem for another time. A time when he knew where his toothbrush was. “Did you steal my toothbrush?”

“No. Why would I steal your toothbrush? Can you knock next time?”

“No.” He said and left the room without closing the door. You know, like some sort of maniac. 

“Who steals a toothbrush?” Commie asked himself when he walked back into the bathroom. 

“Hey, Commie?”  _ What? _

He looked out the window to see the fucking kulak in his backyard wearing a neon yellow tracksuit with _his_ _toothbrush_ in his grubby little hand. 

“Looking for something?” Ancap had the same shit eating grin on his face that all capitalists had. 

“You broke into my house?!” Commie yelled at him through the now open window. 

“No! Are you stupid? That would violate the NAP, dipshit. I paid Ancom to do it.”

Commie looked at the road and saw Ancap’s tacky car, and he could sort of make out the shape of two people in it.

“Is Nazi also with you?”

“Yeah! You have to come with us if you want your toothbrush back.”

“Why are you holding my toothbrush for ransom? It’s Tuesday.”

“I’m rich and bored and I hate you. Now, get in the car.”

Commie sighed. He grabbed his phone and hopped out the window. You know, like some sort of maniac because he could have just walked out the door. He followed Ancap to his car and sat in the back next to Nazi. 

“Where are we going?” He asked. 

“You’ll see.” Ancom said with a smile on their face. 

Ancap started the car and Commie's least favorite song began to play.  _ Of course. Rock and Roll McDonalds.  _ He wasn’t in Ancap’s car. He was in hell. Of course. And of course the anarchists had to yell the “lyrics” as loudly as they could, but they didn’t actually know the words, so it was just, “ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALD’S,” over and over again for two minutes and twenty-seven seconds while they drove. 

And the song  **_repeated._ ** At least they had stopped screaming. 

“Y’know,” Ancom began, “I don’t even like Mcdonald’s.” 

“Fucking vegans.” Nazi grumbled.

“I like McDonald’s.” Ancap said.

“Yeah, but you’ve watched Super Size Me, right? It kills people.” Ancom said.

“Ugh. Don’t bring that up. It was bad for the free market. If people want to kill themselves by eating too much of Ronald McDonald’s greasy, orange cum, they should be able to.” 

“Wasn’t Jared Fogle in Super Size Me?” Nazi asked.

“... Rock and roll McDonald’s.” Ancom started chanting again.

“Rock and roll McDonald’s.” Ancap joined them.

“Rock and roll McDonald’s.” Nazi even joined in.

“ROCK AND ROLL MCDONALD’S.”

“Really, Nazi? You’re joining them?” Commie asked, but he received no answer. Just more of that god awful song.

It finally ended when they pulled into the drive thru. 

“Can I get a mcfuckin’ uhhh…” Ancap said into the speaker thing.

“Sir.” The employee said with a sigh. 

“Uhhh… Happy meal with the boys’ toy for me.”

“Hell yeah.” Nazi said.

“Hell yeah.” Ancap agreed. “And a small fry for the kid. And uh, throw in a choccy milk for my boy in the back.” Ancap turned around like a suburban dad in the world’s worst sitcom and looked at Commie. “What do you want?”

Commie wasn’t sure what he wanted. Especially not after Ancap called Big Mac™ sauce ‘Ronald McDonald’s greasy, orange cum.’ 

“You’re taking too long.” He turned away. “And some apple slices for the dog.”

“Will that be all?” The employee asked again, sounding a lot more dead inside than he did at first.

“Hell yeah.”

“Sir.”

“Sorry.”

Commie could hear the employee sigh even from inside the car. It was just that loud. 

Ancap pulled up to the next window, handed the employee his cash, and gave Nazi his chocolate milk. After he got the rest of the ‘food,’ he parked. 

“You could have just asked me to come with you. You didn’t have to break into my house and steal my toothbrush.”

“That would have been boring.”

Commie rolled his eyes. At least he had food. Except he didn't because all he had was

_ Fucking McDonald’s Apple Slices. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i use the 24 clock religiously  
> i do not know how to spell the word religiously and if it wasn't for spellcheck it would be spelled wrong  
> when i was writing this i was listening to rock and roll mcdonalds and idk if it killed all my brain cells but that song is a masterpiece
> 
> i dont remember what mcdonalds chocolate milk tastes like because im not 6 years old and lactose likes to kick my ass  
> but im pretty sure the bottle it comes in is sick as fuck and if they changed the bottles im going to beat someone up


	10. F-R-E-E that spells free credit report dot com babey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wacky intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> calling this an intermission would mean that the fic is halfway over  
> idk if it is i haven't planned any of this out  
> it would be really funny if this was the last chapter  
> but it probably isn't

Posadism looked at his watch. The meeting was supposed to start ten minutes ago. The wackies didn’t have an actual club room because they weren’t recognized as a real club, and they couldn’t just bribe school faculty like Ancap did. They started meeting in Posadism’s basement after they got kicked out of their old ‘club room.’

“Posadism, I’m here.” Homonationalism shouted as he walked down the stairs. 

Posadism sighed in response. “You’re all late like all the fucking time. There’s a meteor shower tonight that I need to get ready for.”

“Whatever.” Homonationalism rolled his eyes and sat down in front of the TV. He flipped through the channels until he found a reality TV show that Posadism had never seen.

“Good morning, vassals.” Anmon said when he reached the bottom of the stairs.

“It’s 5:30 in the afternoon.”

“That doesn’t matter.” Anarcho-monarchy dug through his backpack and retrieved his ‘crown,’ which was just a cut up piece of cardboard taped together to look like one. Posadism was pretty sure the only reason why Anmon attended their meetings was so he could wear his stupid crown without people making fun of him.

“Stop calling us your vassals.” Homonationalism said.

“But you are.”

“No, Anmon. I’m clearly the superior one in this club because I think cilantro tastes like soap. It means even my tastebuds are superior. That’s why I use them for sucking d--”

“Anarcho-primitivist has broken out of detention!” Anprim shouted as he scuttled down the stairs, most likely on all fours. 

“You’re late.” Posadism grumbled.

“Anarcho-primitivist no use clocks. Anarcho-primitivist use sun to tell time. I think I’m going partially blind.”

Posadism rolled his eyes. Anprim was always in detention for taking off his shirt like a character in an early 2000’s Nickelodeon sitcom. The communist was surprised Anmon didn’t also get sent to detention for wearing pajamas everyday, but he probably just didn’t go to it. 

“Sorry I’m late, beep boop. My internal clock was malfunctioning, boop beep.” Transhumanism said. His internal clock was actually just his Google glasses from 2013. 

“It’s fine. Now, we can start.” The communist said with a sigh.

Posadism took the remote from Homonationalist and turned on Jeopardy. 

“Posadism, turn off that evil box or Anarcho-primitivists will break it first with comically large bone.”

“Ehehe. If you break my TV, I’ll drop a nuke on your house.”

“Alex Trebek, you tall glass of water...” Homonationalism mumbled to himself.

“That reminds me. Dear vassal,” Anmon looked at Transhumanism, “could you get your king a glass of water?” 

“No, beep boop. I’m a robot. Water will kill me. Fuck off, get it yourself.”

“Not drinking enough water will turn your piss neon orange like Posadism’s fake tan.” The fascist said with a smirk.

“It’s not a fake tan. It’s because of the nuke I’ve been working on.”

“Of course it is.”

“Posadism, we all know that you’re not making a nuke. You know that you’re not making a nuke. Fucking Anprim knows your not making a nuke and he’s huffing paint right now.” Anmon said, gesturing at the anarchist.

“Anarcho-primitivist is not huffing paint. Anarcho-primitivist is just about to make cave painting. Yes. Anarcho-primitivist must ask Sun God if paint good. Sun God, smite him.”

Transhumanism cringed a little. “You are not a caveman, beep boop! Sun God isn’t real! There is no God! God is dead, we killed him, boop beep!” 

“You can’t keep beeping like that if you’re going to call him out for not actually being a caveman.” Anmon said.

“I will beep as much as I fucking want to! At least I am not a walking contradiction like you! Beep beep boop boop!”

While his friends began to argue with each other, Posadism thought about the reason why Nazbol left their club. It wasn’t a club about wacky political ideologies, it was really just LARP-ing with a fancy name. He sighed as he waited for the others to calm down and finish arguing.

“Oh shit! Oh shit!” Anmon started to regret throwing a glass of water on Transhumanism.

“I’m fucking malfunctioning, bee boo boo bop boo boo bop!”

“Oh god oh fuck! Don’t worry, vassal, your king knows how to fix this.”

“What?”

“I’ll just put you in a bowl of rice.”

“God, you’re lame.” Homonationalism rolled his eyes.

“I’m going to brutalize you.”

“Use Grug’s comically large bone.”

“Transhumanism, it was just a joke.” Anmon laughed.

“Fuck off, beep boop.” Transhumanism bonked him on the head. He’ll have to put on his back up glasses, which aren’t Google glasses, just very cool normal sunglasses that looked like they belonged in a sci-fi movie from the 80’s. 

“Dear vassal, help me. Your king has a concussion.” Anmon reached for Homonationalism.

“You’re so dramatic. It’s really funny in, like, a really unfunny way.” 

Posadism left the group to pour a pile of Totino’sⓇ Pizza RollsⓇ onto a plate and stuff it into his microwave. When he returned, everything seemed to be back to normal, well, except for Transhumanists broken Google glasses. 

“Hey, Posadism?” Homonationalism asked. 

“What?”

“Half of these are still cold.”

“You can’t just cook Totino’sⓇ Pizza RollsⓇ like that.” Anmon said.

“I thought you knew how microwaves work, beep boop.” Transhumanism shook his head.

“No one fucking knows how microwaves work!” Posadism threw his arms in the air.

“He has a point.” Anprim nodded.

“Fucking microwaves. How do they work?” Anmon said in a way that was totally not a very stupid and obscure reference.

“I bet (((they))) know how microwaves work.” Homonationalism said.

“Who?”

“(((Them)))”

“Who is them?”

“You know, (((them))), (((they)))”

“Of course. I knew it. Guy Fieri. He’s everywhere. I’m pretty sure he’s possessing your brother.”

“Yes, beep boop. Guy Fieri invented the microwave in 1946.”

“A true visionary.”

Anprim pouted. “Industrial Revolution bad.”

**_________**

“Posadism, what time is it?” Homonationalism asked.

“Almost 1 a.m.”

“You said something about a meteor shower right?”

“Mhm.”

The wackies left Posadism’s basement and moved to the backyard. 

Posadism pointed at the sky. “That’s Orion’s belt.”

“Hey, Anmon. Can you show me your Adonis belt?” Homonationalism wiggled his eyebrows like an asshole.

Anmon laughed. “You know I’m not wearing a belt.”

Posadism rolled his eyes. “That’s the rest of Orion.”

“Orion, you tall glass of water…”

“Moon God is too bright. Grug no see meteor.”

“Your eyes have to adjust, moron.” Transhumanism crossed his arms.

“Anarcho-primitivist not moron. Anarcho-primitivist smart. Anarcho-primitivist accepted into Julliard.” 

“Posadists, why do you care so much about meteor showers, anyway?” Anmon asked.

“The aliens might come during one. And when they do, I want to be the first to see them.”

“Of course you do.”

“Your pizza rolls are going to give us all food poisoning.” Homonationalism said.

“Haven’t you already been expelled for bioterrorism?” Transhumanism asked.

“Grug can’t believe he did it again.” Anprim grumbled.

“Fucking microwaves.” Anmon crossed his arms.

“Ehehehe :)”

“How the fuck did you say the face at the end?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating this since april 17th  
> i mostly write whenever i have the motivation and inspiration to do it which is almost never  
> anyway thanks for reading my caffeine induced 2 a.m. shit show  
> it's fun to write
> 
> i read the entirety of homestuck in under a month  
> i should really start doing something productive before i deteriorate even more as a person


	11. ancap's wacky quest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> b o a t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i was writing this my brain told me to make ancap talk like a suburban dad trying way too hard to be cool but he's on so much cocaine that he hasn't slept in weeks and he ate two tabs of acid for breakfast
> 
> this is surprisingly not the dumbest thing i've written but it's definitely in the top five

i’m going to delete this goddamn group chat i swear

15:30

hot milf in your area: I GOT A BOAT

my name is white identitarian please stop calling me nazi im crying and shaking: What

hot milf in your area: I GOT A BOAT 

hot milf in your area: DO YOU WANT TO UHH GET ON MY BOAT LIKE RIGHT NOW

shut up ur name is nazi: hell yeah

have you read das capital yet: Where are you, kulak?

hot milf in your area: IM WHERE THE FUCKING BOATS ARE DUMBASS

my name is white identitarian please stop calling me nazi im crying and shaking: You know the rest of us dont know how to drive, right?

shut up ur name is nazi: yeah dude youll have to drive us

hot milf in your area: OH MY FUCKING GOD DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF

have you read das capital yet: You’re the one who offered the boat ride.

hot milf in your area: LEARN HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE

_____________

“Oh yeah that’s a boat.” Ancom said. It was a boat.

“It’s smaller than I expected.” Commie said. It was still a fairly large boat, it just wasn't a yacht. He kind of expected Ancap to buy a yacht.

“That’s what she said.” Nazi said.

“Stop watching The Office. I’m going to shoot you.” Ancap crossed his arms.

Commie never knew how Ancap got all his money. Probably from tax evasion and money laundering. Teenagers these days…

“I got a boat because I knew  _ someone  _ wouldn’t like a helicopter ride.” Ancap glared at commie.

“Don’t you need a license to drive a boat?” Nazi asked.

“Like from Spongebob?” Ancom asked.

“I…”

“Nazi, do I look like someone who would have a license? I don’t even obey traffic laws. Do you think I’m gonna obey  _ boating laws? _ ” Ancap said angrily.

“Dude, he’s kinda right.” Ancom nodded.

“You know why I don’t obey the law, Nazi? Because I’m not a little bitch.”

“Oh shit, dude.”

“I’m not a pissboy cuck like you. I slay mad poon on the daily.”

“Please never say that ever again.” Commie cringed.

“I’m not going to obey the law. Laws aren’t fucking real.”

“Based.”

“You wanna know why you’re a cuck?”

“Tell him, Ancap.” soulja boy tell em

“It’s because you’re getting cucked by the state.”

“Oh shiiiiiiiit.”

“The state is fucking your bitch, dude. The state is your wife’s boyfriend, and while it’s fucking your bitch, you’re licking it’s boots.”

“Dude, you’re fucking owning him.”

“Yeah I am, Ancom.”

“God I am losing brain cells.” Nazi shook his head.

“Shut up, cuck.” Ancom said.

“Now sit down before you get clowned, son.”

“OH SHIT DUDE!!!!”

“Jesus fucking christ.” Commie really wished someone else was driving the boat instead of an eighteen year old who thought it was acceptable to call someone ‘son.’

“Who the hell says son??? Unironically??? What the hell.” Nazi rubbed his temples. 

“Thanks for being my hype man, ancom.”

“Not a man.”

_____________

The gang continued their boat ride.

“Where are we going.”

“Dude, it’s just a boat ride you don’t have to go anywhere. You just go.”

“Yeah, but we’ve been going in this direction for a while.”

“Okay, we’re going to fuckin’ uh water mcdonald’s, and definitely not the deepest part of the river.”

“What?”

The boat stopped moving and Ancap stood up. “Commie, I’ve realized that I don’t like having dogs on my boat. It cost me two fatty cattys. Do you know what I could have bought with two fatty cattys.”

“What? What is a fatty catty? Everything you have said today has given me a migraine. Like, are you high right now?”

Ancap sighed. “Nothing personal, kid.” And he threw him off the fucking boat.

“KULAK! WHEN I GET BACK IN THAT BOAT I’M GOING TO CURBSTOMP YOU INTO OBLIVION.”

“Oh fuck. I didn’t know commies could swim.”

“They  _ are _ lizard men.” Nazi said without paying attention to the whole Commie in the river thing.

“You think everyone’s a lizard man.” Ancom shook their head.

“Hey Ancap, I think there’s still a lizard in this boat.”

“Oh shit. Ancom, I’m sorry to do this, but no lizard men are allowed on the boat.” Ancap did what any rational person would do and threw Ancom into the river. 

_____________

When the leftists got back on the boat, Ancap made Nazi in charge of driving the boat so he could use Ancom as a foot rest.

“I almost lost one of my gucci slides.”

“Ancom, stop calling those  _ things _ gucci slides. You got them for $3 at Goodwill.”

Nazi was having the time of his life. He was doing it. He was fucking doing it. He was the goddamn captain. “I’m the goddamn captain.”

“Shut up, Nazi.” Commie shook his head.

moral of the story: if you can’t throw commies out the choppie, use a boat instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol okay so this is probably my last fic 
> 
> uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> and i dont think i'll post on reddit again after this  
> idk i kinda like hate it now, reddit not the fic even though i am starting to hate everything i write now too  
> ive like deleted and downloaded reddit like 20 times and i feel nauseous every time i open it  
> then again, everything makes me nauseous  
> like im nauseous right now  
> i need to go to a doctor  
> i might have lead poisoning
> 
> but like idk  
> i just like not using reddit  
> and whenever i write anything i care way too much about getting validation from strangers  
> and i might be a narcissist??? maybe and that's kinda cringe ngl
> 
> my ego is big enough dude i dont need more compliments i'll explode or something  
> it'll be fucken hiroshima dude
> 
> but enough about me  
> uh writing this has always been fun because i did whatever i want and i didnt plan anything and maybe it would have been better if i did plan it but i dont care
> 
> uh stay safe losers  
> it's christmas let's go home ;)


End file.
